Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
