Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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