Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
