I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
