Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
