mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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