Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
