somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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