hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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