There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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