I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
