Don't make out with my wife yet
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I don't deserve a penis
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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