paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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