i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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