I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
