you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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