trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
