This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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