The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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