Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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