I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
