I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
