I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A+ Viking dick
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