I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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