Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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