I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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