You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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