You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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