I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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