At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
