Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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