Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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