I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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