I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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