i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
