I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
