using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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