I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
