yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
