You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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