Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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