Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
