My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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