also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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