dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
