so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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