Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
