just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
