it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so explain again why im purple
no
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
