So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She needs sedatives and a leash
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
